The self-love test: Can you say "I love you" to yourself?
If self-love doesn’t come naturally, that’s okay. It’s a practice. And, like any practice, it gets easier with time.
Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, "I love you"?
Try it.
How did that go? Was it easy? Did you feel resistance? Did you skip this, hoping no one would notice? (Truth: No one will know but you.)
I avoided doing this for a long time. When I first heard about it years ago I thought it sounded silly, unnecessary, and mostly uncomfortable. But if I truly loved myself, why didn’t I just play along? I got over myself and did it a couple of years ago. I felt shy and embarrassed. I really hoped no one could hear me. Even now, it’s a little awkward.
Why is something so simple so difficult?
Because most of us were never taught to love ourselves.
We learned that love should be reserved for others. We think we need to earn love by being good girls and boys—by meeting other’s expectations, achieving goals, or being “good enough.” But here’s the truth about love:
Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
We enter the world as pure, lovable beings. Have you ever looked at a baby and thought I’m not sure they’re that loveable? As kids and into adolescence, many of us have experiences and hear messages that make us question our worth and lovability. By taking it slow and turning towards these younger, sometimes wounded parts, we can begin the journey of self-love.
As adults when we choose to love ourselves, we return to our true essence and create a ripple effect that extends outward. Loving ourselves is a choice we can make and while it may be uncomfortable at first, I promise it is worth it. It is not selfish, greedy, or indulgent. It is powerful beyond belief.
Reasons to choose to love yourself:
Connection to your true self. Love allows us to embrace our authentic selves, not the version shaped by society and expectations.
Strengthen relationships. When we love ourselves, we live in our heart space, and our relationships become more abundant and fulfilling.
Increase resilience. Self-love helps us give ourselves grace and compassion, knowing we are enough, just as we are.
Self-love is the journey of returning home to yourself.
And the best part? It’s available to you, right now.
The compliments test: A window into self-love
The energy of a compliment and love enter us in the same place: the heart.
Want a quick way to gauge your self-worth? Pay attention to how you receive compliments. I recently wrote about this for Elephant Journal.
When you receive a compliment do you:
Shrink into yourself and shrug it off by saying, “It was no big deal.”
Feel a warm pleasant sensation and say, “Thank you.”
Agree and with an open heart, feel seen, and respond with something like, “I did didn’t I.”
The way you receive a compliment reflects the way you receive love. Learning to accept love freely is one of the most powerful steps toward self-love.
Cultivating self-love
If self-love doesn’t come naturally, that’s okay. It’s a practice. And like any practice, it gets easier with time.
Here are a few ways to start:
Make love a daily choice
Set the intention each morning: “Today, I choose to love myself and those around me.” Notice if your inner critic or another part shows up to take over and remind yourself that you’re in charge.
Practice gratitude
What you focus on you will notice more of and this works beautifully for gratitude. Close your eyes, think of something you’re grateful for, and let the warmth of appreciation fill your heart. Sit in that feeling for a few seconds. This rewires your brain to seek love throughout the day.
I find that when I consistently practice gratitude, I find joy in small things like a pretty cloud, a joke with my kid, or even washing fruit I just brought home from the store. Regular life looks brighter when you are grateful.
Deep dive into your history with love
We all have a love story that comes from our family of origin, community, and society. These deep-seated beliefs dictate (often subconsciously) how we think about love. Do you believe love comes easily or that you have to work hard to earn love? Spend time thinking about (or writing about) your beliefs about love to gain insight into your love programming.
Talk to your inner child
Your inner child holds the beliefs you formed about love. Connect with that part of yourself by getting playful, creative, out in nature, through meditation, or by imagining your younger self. If this is new or hard for you, please ask me for support.
Meet your inner judger
How we talk (or think) about others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Notice how you judge, compare, or feel about other people. You might feel despair as you scroll through a college friend’s holiday photos on social media. You may find it hard to be genuinely happy about a friend’s engagement. Or maybe you find yourself judging how an acquaintance is handling her kid in public. Don’t judge yourself, but ask yourself if you’re feeling triggered and what you need when those thoughts come up.
Love without expectation
Love does not have ulterior motives. We can make the choice to get vulnerable and express love, knowing that it might be reciprocated. I’m not talking about a one-way romantic relationship or an unbalanced friendship—that would be unhealthy. But we can offer love to people in need and even send it around the world knowing it won’t be returned.
Smile!
Even a forced smile can boost your mood, reduce stress, and trigger feel-good chemicals like dopamine and serotonin.
Love can change your life. But first, you have to let it in.
It starts with a single choice to love yourself more. Look back at the list above and choose one thing to ponder or take action on.
Can you commit to more love?
If you’re ready to deepen your self-love practice, I invite you to join me for The Self-Love Challenge this February!
Each week, we’ll focus on a different aspect of self-love—affirmations, mindset shifts, radical honesty, and deep reflection. I’ll send you seven small actions each week to transform your relationship with yourself.
Because you deserve to love yourself. Fully, deeply, and without conditions.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, intuitive guide, blogger (yep, you’re reading it right now), and entrepreneur. She helps women who have “made it” on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine.
