My ego was trying to protect me (so I thanked it)
That’s me at age 7!
In second grade I turned to the boy who sat behind me in class and asked him if off was spelled with one f or two. He erupted into laughter and teased me for being stupid. My innocent 7-year-old self immediately spiraled into shame. I can still remember my heart pounding as embarrassment took over.
For 30+ years I had no idea that my resistance to asking questions in front of others, my fear of being vulnerable, and my shame that I was naive, ignorant, and stupid stemmed from this incident. The innocent girl lightheartedly asking a simple spelling question was shut down and my ego went wild to cover up and push away anything that could make me feel the way he made me feel.
That day my ego learned: Do not ask dumb questions. Do not be vulnerable with people you barely know. Do not show your cards.
I never thought to ask myself why that boy acted so mean when I asked him a question. Did he even know the answer? (I can’t remember). What was true when I asked that innocent question as a 7-year-old girl?
When I learned about inner child work, I met my 7-year-old. I asked her what she needed to hear when she asked that question. She just wanted to know that she was not stupid. That asking that question was not a mistake. She reworked the memory and asked me the question instead and I said, “Off is with two fs.” That’s it. Now that she knows that, she can go on her merry way.
We all have an ego. Our ego’s job is to keep us safe and fit into our family, community, and society. It is rooted in fear and does everything it can to keep us alive, included, accepted, and loved. This often involves abandoning our true selves.
The ego isn’t just one thing. We have many parts that form from ages 7 to 24 that make up our egoic self. These form to cover up or help us act out of a belief that developed in childhood that may be hurting us in adolescence. This could be a perfectionist part that forms to help us overcome the belief that we aren’t good enough. We might become a people pleaser because we don’t feel worthy. We might be an overachiever because we subconsciously believe that we are valued for our productivity.
This is all happening subconsciously. This is why it’s important to get conscious and aware of our parts and how we show up in the world.
Our ego is not bad. It is important to fit in. Most of us operate in the world from our ego most of the time. As I learned in my Adult Chair coach training, we can learn to live consciously and choose how we want to act in the present moment. It is from our healthy, adult self that we can reparent our inner child and lesson our ego’s grip.
What beliefs do you carry with you that no longer serve you? What message does your inner child long to hear?
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, intuitive guide, blogger (yep, you’re reading it right now), and entrepreneur. She helps women who have “made it” on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine.
