Meeting the Gremlin Inside of Me
In the fall of 2020, I met the failure gremlin inside of me. It was about six months into my healing journey, which started when I found The Adult Chair podcast.
I was dropping my kids off at school. As my son, then in kindergarten, was getting out of the car, I realized we didn’t have his backpack. He refused to leave the car without it so I quickly said, “Okay we will go home and get it and I’ll bring you back.” As I pulled away anger, fear, and a barrage of horrible voices filled my head. Knowing I would lose 30 minutes of my workday for this silly mistake overtook me. I gripped the steering wheel, my eyes filling with tears. My chest tightened, my heart raced, and instead of yelling or driving wildly and instead of turning up the radio to drown out the voices, I asked myself, “Who is so mad at me right now?” Almost immediately my attention dropped to my stomach and a gnarly beast, hairless with long flailing arms looked back at me. I dialogued with it in my head as I drove.
“What do you want me to know?” I asked it.
“Look at you, you can’t get anything right, you’re a total failure,” it growled back at me.
“Who do you think I am?” I asked.
“You are a failure of a human being,” it told me.
“I am 40 years old, I am a mother, I am married, I am driving my car to my house to fetch my son’s backpack,” I told it.
As I updated the gremlin about my life, it lowered its arms.
“What do you need?” I asked.
“I am exhausted,” it confessed.
As it calmed down, I reminded myself that I was not a failure. I was a successful, loved, loving person doing the right thing in that moment. Leaving a backpack at home is a tiny inconvenience in the scheme of things. There was no reason for this failure gremlin to take over my life.
This belief about being a failure, manifesting in the form of this gremlin, developed when I was much younger. This old wound was based on old programming. It likely came online to protect me as a young kid. By giving it my attention, I was able to educate it about the current day and allow it to let go.
As I had this internal dialogue with the gremlin, it morphed. I let it know it was time to rest. That I can handle our life. That it doesn’t have to try to be in charge. This gremlin curled up in a tiny basket and went to sleep. Even now when I picture it, it is a sleeping cat in a basket. It is quiet. It is calm.
This all happened in the 10 minutes it took me to drive home and fetch the backpack my son had left on the garage floor. Driving back to the school, I felt lighter already.
With parts work sometimes when you reeducate one part, it takes down others with it. This failure part honestly drove a lot of my life up until that point. I hated being late and forgetting things always sent my mind into harsh inner dialogue. I have had many experiences where I’ve forgotten something since that day and I’m like “Oh well, we will make do without it.” I’m often still early, but I don’t over plan or get anxious when I might be late like I used to.
With this post, I want to share firsthand what doing parts work on yourself is like and give you a real-life example of how I have done this work on myself. The next time you feel a physical sensation of an emotion overtake you, turn towards it and ask “What do you want me to know?” Drop inside and dialogue with it. The part may morph, change, or even leave. Bringing consciousness to our unconscious parts is a part of the healing process.
If you want guidance and to be held in a safe space as you explore this concept, please reach out to me. I am available for a free 30-minute discovery call to talk about how I can help you.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, intuitive guide, blogger (yep, you’re reading it right now), and entrepreneur. She helps women who have “made it” on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine.
