It is hard to follow the advice (it’s not just you)
A tiny sample of the many parenting books I’ve read over the years. I’ve learned how to listen to my intuition so I don’t judge my worth as a parent on my ability to follow expert advice.
"I hear all the advice, but I just find it impossible to follow,” an acquaintance turned to me as we left a recent inspiring talk by a New York Times bestselling author and parenting guru. “Oh my gosh, that was me!” I reeled, my insides screaming. I vacillated between jumping up and down, talk-yelling about how I overcame that exact thing, and giving her a sympathetic nod and smile. (Spoiler: I went with the nod and smile combo to save face with this kind, sweet woman I barely know.)
It was hard to go from learning about improving my life to doing it. In that chasm was the hard work I’ve spent the past four years trudging through. And there’s more to be done!
As you may know from my About page, when I became a mom, I read parenting books and blogs, listened to all the gurus, joined mom groups on Facebook, followed influencers on Instagram, and took advice from countless family and friends. I told myself I would learn my way to being a fabulous parent. There is a huge infrastructure of endless content and people shouting from their rooftops about how to correctly do every aspect of raising a kid. I was in for it.
I found early motherhood challenging, but instead of questioning my approach, I tried hard to follow all of the expert advice. When my daughter didn’t follow the nap schedule according to the sleep book, I blamed myself. When she didn’t take solid foods on the day she turned six months old, I went down the rabbit hole of baby-led weaning vs. purees vs. whatever other feeding trend was out there (there are so many strong opinions!).
I felt disconnected from myself, which made it hard for me to fully enjoy my daughter and husband. I know now that the experts are helpful but I no longer jump around to the latest and greatest advice to be a good mom.
Fast-forward to 2020 and the start of the COVID lockdown. I was crying in my bedroom and wondering how I would face another day when I heard a voice saying, “You need to slow down and go inward.” I realized then that I had to turn inward so that I could show up as my whole, true self.
During the early days of lockdown, my husband and I took turns taking an hour's walk each day. I remembered a podcast I’d listened to an episode or two of called The Adult Chair. Something inside me drove me to listen to it again. It was during those walks and hearing the host Michelle Chalfant talk about self-love, listening to our intuition, and living as our healthiest adult selves that I started to shift.
I tried meditation again. I started getting up before the kids to do yoga in the mornings. I practiced getting quiet and listening to the parts of me that needed to be heard. I did an inner child meditation and let the tears flow. I had never experienced anything like it. I learned to trust my intuition, to listen to my heart’s whispers, and to love myself.
Now, four years later, I no longer live in a depleted, robotic, obligatory, resentful, exhausted place. I take good care of myself because I know I deserve it and am worthy of enjoying my life. I am a better parent and model for my kids.
The advice that I heard from the parenting expert a couple of months ago resonated with me but it didn’t overcome me. I no longer beat myself up if I don’t follow someone else’s way. I know they are the expert and I appreciate their wisdom. But I know I am the best person to live my life. The advice got easier to follow because I am a more whole, self-knowing person. The voices in my head are mine and not someone else’s. That’s the way it should be.
To that acquaintance and fellow mom, I see myself in you and most importantly, I see you - the whole and deserving person that you are.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, intuitive guide, blogger (yep, you’re reading it right now), and entrepreneur. She helps women who have “made it” on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine.
