5 ways to Release Resentment
Resentment weighs us down and prevents us from living our best lives. But where does it come from, and more importantly, how can we release it?
Resentment is my go-to form of anger. Resentment feels familiar and, while it’s uncomfortable, I feel justified in lashing out when I feel taken advantage of. I’ve learned, however, that the work is on me to prevent and deal with my resentments. No one is causing me to be resentful. That’s an inside job.
Resentment often stems from a build-up of poor boundaries, lack of self-care, low self-worth, and ineffective communication. It's particularly common among people pleasers and caregivers who find themselves caught in a cycle of giving until something seemingly small causes them to snap. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone!
Understanding resentment
Brené Brown explains that resentment and envy are opposite ends of a spectrum. Take a moment to consider: Where do you fall on this scale?
Resentment often bubbles up when we suppress strong emotions like anger, hate, bitterness, comparison, jealousy, disgust, and hostility that come up when we feel mistreated or taken advantage of. It's a sign that we need something we are not getting. By learning the signs of resentment, we can start to get curious about it.
The root causes of resentment
Poor communication: If the people in your life don't know what you need, they can't help you. Your husband, wife, kids, coworkers, friends, parents, and neighbors aren't mind readers. Clear communication is key to preventing resentment from taking root.
Boundaries: Are you angry about staying late at work, even though you took on that extra responsibility? Bitter about the PTO meeting you volunteered for? When we fail to set and maintain healthy boundaries, we can start down the resentment highway.
Lack of self-worth: Deep down, do you believe you need to self-sacrifice to be loved or worthy? This belief can lead to a pattern of overextending yourself and breeds resentment.
Neglecting self-care: Do you eat the crusts off your kid’s plates instead of making yourself lunch? Do you give up your yoga class to take a friend’s phone call? When we consistently put others' needs before our own, we set ourselves up for burnout and resentment.
Releasing resentment
Here are five proven ways to release resentment (I know because I am the queen of resentment and as test subject #1 I can promise they helped me!):
Feel and express your feelings: Our emotions manifest in our physical body. Pay attention to the knot in your stomach, heat in your chest, or tightening in your hands that comes up when you overcommit or start to feel resentful. Sit with the discomfort and allow it to metabolize. When we shut down or shut out our emotions, they simmer under the surface. Feelings we don’t process will inevitably come out sideways.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you're doing the best you can and that it's okay to make mistakes. I often remember Dr. Becky Kennedy saying how parenting feels hard because it is hard. Whether it’s parenting or something else you’re resentful about, recognize the hard and give yourself grace.
Communicate openly: Express what you need early and often! Take a step back, ask yourself what you need first, and then let others know. When you’re having a tougher conversation or asking for something, say it in the first person using, “I need…” rather than in the second person “You need to…” This goes over much better! Another tip is to clear up the stories in your head. If you think someone is mad at you, this can cause resentment to start building. How about saying, “I’m telling myself a story that you’re upset with me. Is that true?” This might sound hard but this level of honesty leads to deep connection in our relationships.
Learn the early signs: Whether it’s a thought, physical sensation, or action, get to know the antecedent to resentment. This is different for everyone. I know I’m moving into the resentment zone when I start rushing around and getting snappy with people. I know then that I need to take some deep breaths, feel my feet on the floor, and either say no, take a break, or ask for help. The sooner you notice resentment creeping in, the easier it is to manage. If you catch it early, you can nip it in the bud.
Know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence: It's okay to decline requests or invitations that don't align with your priorities or values. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your "no." It’s also good practice to learn to pause before you respond to any requests. In that pause, tune into your body and ask yourself if this is a yes or a no.
Stepping back from the brink
For a few years, I took on increasing responsibility for planning our neighborhood's annual block party. While I enjoyed the event itself and wanted to see it happen, the expectation of initiating the planning weighed on me. I found myself resenting the responsibility and even pushing away others' ideas of how to organize the party to minimize how much I would have to get involved.
Recognizing this unhealthy pattern, I decided to set a boundary. This summer, I sent an email to my neighbors explaining that I wouldn't be initiating the party planning this year. It felt liberating. By communicating clearly, I released any resentment and reclaimed my time and energy. I was afraid of negative blowback, but instead, a friend picked up the baton and planned the event.
The why behind dropping resentment
Releasing resentment isn't just about freeing ourselves from heaviness and negativity – it allows us to create space for joy, fulfillment, and authentic connections. When we let go of resentment, we open ourselves up to new possibilities and deeper relationships. Relationships where we can be our true selves by communicating clearly, stating our truth, and remaining aligned with our values.
This is ongoing. Be patient with yourself as you practice these strategies. Start by setting an intention to notice your resentment triggers. Then work through the tools that serve you.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, intuitive guide, blogger (yep, you’re reading it right now), and entrepreneur. She helps women who have “made it” on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine.
