The lies I used to tell
As you may know from my post on my ego trying to protect me, I had a huge fear of being “found out” or called stupid or ignorant. Have you heard of x band? “Oh yeah” Do you know x celebrity is doing x? “Sure!” (True confession: I know almost nothing about music or celebrities). I covered up not knowing by telling little white lies. These weren’t necessarily harmful, but they built a wall around my true self and put distance between me and the people I was in conversation with. I didn’t give people the chance to tell me something new and I often found myself engaging in inauthentic conversations. This is not a way to build self-worth or healthy relationships.
I realized I was doing this when I began doing personal work using The Adult Chair model. A few months into the work, I found myself saying “I don’t know” for the first time. I hadn’t planned to admit it, but it was just my honest response. I remember my stomach flipping, my heart fluttering, and my whole body bracing itself to hear how I’d ruined my image by admitting ignorance. Nothing of the sort happened as my companion just filled in the blanks and went on with the conversion. Apparently, the world doesn’t explode when people find out I don’t know something! Mind-blowing stuff for my ego and inner child!
Here’s how I gave up the white lies:
I noticed I was doing it! I knew I was fibbing about knowing pop culture or bits of information but it was reflexive and I justified it by telling myself I had to play it cool to fit in. I did this into my late 30s!
Once I became aware that I was pretending with people, I noticed how I felt when I did it. I felt lousy. Physically, I got knots in my stomach or a lump in my throat. I also felt shame about the possibility of being found out. What if the person I lied to told another person who knew the truth about me? Trying to keep track of what I said to who took a ton of mental gymnastics.
I got to know the parts of me that felt uneasy when I admitted I didn’t know something. I worked with my younger, egoic parts that felt ashamed or like an imposter if they revealed any ignorance or naivety. They were protecting me but they didn’t realize I am a grown-ass woman who is smart about big important stuff.
I felt my emotions and allowed them to metabolize through me. Feeling those uncomfortable feelings was not easy. I felt awful once I realized I was lying to people to keep them from getting to know me. I sometimes made self-deprecating jokes in defense of my ignorance on a topic like movie trivia but that wasn’t authentic either. I had to allow myself to feel icky and be okay with how another person might judge me knowing I am not that smart about certain topics.
I stopped doing it. I even began to welcome opportunities to say “I don’t know.” I practiced following it up with “Tell me more.” This summer, in one week, two friends asked me if I knew Chappell Roan and being late to the game as always, I told the first friend, “No, but I want to.” I felt light and open as she shared that she just discovered her and loved her stuff. I checked her out on Spotify the next day and she is great! The old me would have said “Oh yeah” and then I would have been too embarrassed to even look her up. Oh, my heart goes out to you, past me!
Big awarenesses:
I thought I had to be knowledgeable to be accepted but the casual, “Oh let me tell you about x” that is most people’s response when you don’t know is even more bonding. They get excited sharing new information with me and I learn something new. Isn’t that how we’re supposed to interact!?!
This major shift helps me more than it affects anyone else. People don’t pay that much attention to what facts I know or don’t know. They just want to be around me (or not and that’s fine too). Sitting in my truth allows me to connect with people differently. I don’t feel the need to share my opinions to try to get others to agree with me. I can accept they have a different perspective. I also don’t need to show off knowledge or get defensive if they know more than me on a particular topic. I am just me now. I don’t need to impress people. My heart is more open and judgment-free and that is a beautiful place to connect from.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, intuitive guide, blogger (yep, you’re reading it right now), and entrepreneur. She helps women who have “made it” on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine.
